Monday, November 23, 2009

How to get rid of the fear that the beloved can change?

I have friends advise: do not cheat yourself. But the advice is easy, but to do so, as advised difficult. It all started with the fact that the first husband betrayed me - we parted. After a few years she married a second time. And a new husband that was also a second marriage. It seems to be old wounds healed, the second husband loves. But all the time caught myself thinking that from him, too, as well as from her first husband, you can expect a dirty trick. He will meet with friends, but I think the girls out there. If you go to a meeting with his daughter from his first marriage, I'm fantasizing that the first wife is walking with them. Once navydumyvala herself so that the tablets had to be treated. In phone calls react painfully. With whom is my husband says? I try all the time to control the situation: where the husband went, with whom he went. Above all, understand that's impossible. But in another way I can. I can not trust her husband, who I've never been unfaithful. All the time I'm afraid what if it happens the same way as in the first marriage. The wounds healed, but the pain from the betrayal, perhaps, still not passed. And, I can not say that I am not sure of herself. In appearance and with the rest of me all right, men pay attention, though not 20-year-old girl. Well, how to get rid of this terrible feeling of not even jealousy, but rather the fear once again survive treason?
Vika.

Comment psychology

- First of all, I want to draw your attention to the fact that the process of getting rid of fear rather long and laborious. Here a psychologist's help in the form of individual work or group work. While you and say you believe in yourself, all your behavior indicates otherwise. Hidden complexes always cause a similar reaction to similar life situations.

You can use one remarkable psychological device - imagine that your fear was confirmed, and what you feared has happened. At the same time in your relationship with her husband, nothing has changed. You are still together and still love each other. In the end, physical betrayal - this is just the situation, an event that took place. Worse, when the betrayal in the mind. And you are trying to make their behavior in the minds of her husband thought that he was not allowed. Besides, your fears may be subject to manipulation by others.

You need to understand two simple truths: the first - that was then already passed. The past should not haunt us, it gives us some experience, which we use in later life. Second - to trust people, especially relatives. If you do not trust the person with whom you live, you encourage him to mutual distrust. Peculiar projection of undesirable behavior in another person may also indicate that you yourself are afraid to commit such acts.

Love and amorousness - are completely different things

Love comes to man gradually, but love very quickly. Also, love grows, and growth takes time. Love is usually like coming down. Indeed, to know a person, met him a few times, impossible.

Most people wear a mask, and their impeccable manners in the first time we were impressed. Trying to be pleasant, they always cater to, burying everything is not the best - anger, irritability - and keeping it under control.

To know a person well, it takes time - months or even years. That is why so often you can hear the lamentations of the spouses: "Not that!", "Not that!". In the period of courtship, some manage to never open a genuine person, and only after the marriage of their true self appears in all its splendor.

Now you understand why not fit the "love at first sight." We agree with the "sympathy at first sight" or even "unusual arrangement at first sight", but not with love. You can feel a strong attraction to the man whom had just met.

But despite its strength, attraction is superficial. This love his eyes: in the figure, in deeds, in the reaction. All you may like this man. But before you really love him, you have to go a long way.

Love goes slowly, love - flies away. Of course, that prove the validity of the above can only those whose romance is over. Here are two historical questions: "How long does a novel?" And how long will it take to stop? "

As for the strengthening of true love takes time, even for the extinction of these feelings it should be no less. If you grew up together and held together almost all their time, to finally break their relationship, you need a long time.

Love ends in much the same as the beginning, - fast, but with one exception. It does not disappear instantly if you maintain a sexual relationship. Sex complicates the emotional reaction. Pair does not break the relationship, not because they share common interests, but because they are mutually satisfied sex.

Consequently, the period during which a person is able to recover from the break, not a sign of something significant, if there were sexual relations. In this case, the residual emotions can not attest to the fact that it was true love.

In the center of love - always one man, love being able to accommodate several. Love in a state of "love" at the same time two or more people. Such people are quite noticeably different from the others by his own character and temperament. For example, a girl can say that she loves the two and that the choice between them is above its strength.

One - a mature, responsible and reliable person, and another - a reckless spendthrift who loves to have fun. True love is focused on one person, which holds in itself all, especially valuable to you. And on that you stop, because look ridiculous instead of his ideal more perfect ideal.

Love brings a desire to create, to love - is destructive. Love will be beneficial for your personality, she will reveal all the best in you. It will fill you with new energy, will outline the purpose and awaken interest in life. It will promote creativity and worthy cases, will encourage the development and personal growth. It will revive self-esteem, sense of duty and self-confidence.

It will move your you to success. You'll have to study hard, planned to live and not exchanged for nothing. In the life of a worthy goal and will be a lot of sense. Not sin, and to dream, if you stay sober realist, focusing on achievable plans. Your love will inspire you to be creative in the highest sense of the word.

Love, by contrast, is destructive, it is a mess. When it becomes apparent decrease your performance and uselessness of your potential. Your relatives, close friends immediately noticed it and can say: "Wow!" What happened to you? "You do not go anywhere and do nothing. What's the matter?" You sick, or something else? " And maybe someone will insert: "No, it does not hurt. She loves someone else." But this is not quite true. You are merely in love.

Love flourishes in the garden idyll, a dream that both of you waiting for a beautiful cloudless life, always and in all full of mutual understanding. These dreams and displace reality: school, work, study, money and responsibility to others.

If you like, the idealization of love, of course, inevitable, but it only sharpen the actual circumstances in which you elect resides, and will allow more accurate assessment of it. Sweethearts same compound idealisation, tend to gloss over the reality.

Love implies compatibility, love - ignores it. If you are in love, you will attract not only the appearance and behavior of the beloved, but his (her) character, personal qualities, emotions, ideas and position. You are interested in his (her) way of thinking and reaction to a particular situation. You are interested in its scale of values. How loved one reacts to its success or failure?

And the surprises and difficulties of life? Is he (she) kind, mannered and caring person? If it matches your views on religion, education, family, sex, finances? Equally if you treat your friends? What match your interests? Whether you prefer the evening to communicate with family and friends or get out somewhere? The more general you will have in these areas, the more chances you have to develop a genuine love.

Maybe it sounds not very romantic, but it is possible that your future husband is living in your neighborhood. You grew up together, played, went to the same school. Are also similar your family and social roots. Compatible person with common interests and the same value system, can develop a closer, leading to a long love relationship.

Love takes into account the shortcomings, love - ignore them. Love will help you recognize in each other good qualities and on their basis to build your relationship. But knowing about these qualities, and even to some extent, idealized them, you have pretended not to notice its shortcomings. You can easily see that a number of qualities which he possesses, is far from perfect, you appreciate more worthy of respect and admiration, and you judge a man has only to these remarkable qualities.

Love also does not allow you to see your friend anything negative. In this case, your tendency to idealize so strong that it blinds you to all of its shortcomings. You protect him from any criticism. You are so caught up with one or two of his qualities, which fall into folly, thinking that they outweigh all its shortcomings and problems.

I love seeing all worthy, but it is not blind to the faults of others. Moreover - it tells you to love, in spite of it. Love is not afraid of separation, for the separation of love - this gap. In parting love may even grow stronger.

The absence of a loved one sometimes turns into fuel for the heart heat. If your love is genuine, then your life becomes more and permanently connected with the life of a loved one. When he or she is away from you, you felt as though lost some part of yourself. Separation helps to understand how much you mean to your relationship.

Love immediately dies, is just another person to disappear from sight.

They say: "Out of sight - out of mind" because love is alive, and then only by physical attraction and one or two qualities. Interest in the man immediately extinguished as soon as the relationship ceases to be spontaneous. Love does not stand the test of time.

Love organizes physical contact, love - their exploits.

Truly loving couple seeks to deter physical attraction for most of the time of their relationship. Love is most often guided only by this. Moreover, the physical proximity of a truly loving people - a minority of all their relations, which can not be said about love.

The reason for this lies in the fact that physical attraction - is the support of love, which is mainly supported by the excitation experienced by the proximity. Anyone who happens to experience it first, of course, comes to the conclusion that it must be something special, because he had never experienced such sensations.

And though true love is also characteristic of physical attraction, yet it is preceded by the mass of other realities. For loving couples intimacy usually means much more than just fun. Thus, they express their feelings for each other. Unfortunately, love, physical intimacy is self-sufficient. Here feelings prevail over emotion.

Love is unselfish, love - selfish.

State, which have loving people, expressed not only by emotions. Genuine love rises above this level and permeates him everyday life. This means that you would expect not only the love and attention to yourself, but you love yourself and give ear to another, and constantly, and not only if you so desire.

Love feasible to anyone whose needs, demands, interests meet response and understanding partner. But is you'll love if your partner constantly deceives you, does not see your needs and always forgets to do what you ask him or what he intended to do himself. This is a test for true love.

In one cartoon, Charlie Brown, in his pajamas, Snoopy has a glass of water, lazily collapsed on the roof of his cab. Signature reads: "Love - is when you bring someone else in the night a glass of water." Charlie expresses the right idea: easy to get up at night to fulfill someone's desire, pushing their secondary.

Love is selfish. You often think of that will get from your relationship, not about what might make for themselves or for their consolidation of their partner. For example, the most pleasant sensations you feel, moving in the company of his partner, because the fact that this man belongs to you and see all this fills you a feeling of legitimate pride.

Love is the approval of family and friends, love - only a reprimand. If you really love someone, the family and your friends are likely to approve of your relationship. They will see how harmonious person you are as a person that you have got a lot of new interests, and your relationship only complement and strengthen each of you.

If parents or friends do not approve of your relationship with your friend - be alert. If they are convinced that you are standing on the edge of a deep abyss, they may be right. After all, they are extremely interested in your future well-being and are already trying to protect you from pain. Because they are not experiencing this situation internally, as you, then they will certainly be visible from all sides, that is something that is inaccessible to you. Parental approval - a key point. Statistics show that marriages without parental blessing, have very high percentage of divorces.

If you're just in love, even friends, probably not approve of your choice. They can not tell you this directly, but you may have to listen to the frequent allusions to the fact that it is time to descend to the ground. According to the majority, the approval of parents and friends usually indicates that your love is real.

Comparing the complaint with the complaints of happy couples divorced, one researcher discovered the following pattern: almost all divorcees complain about not being listened to in their time with friends. He also found that happy couples friction with parents was much smaller. If parents and friends object - be careful if you approve of - Assemble with the spirit. The higher their approval and the more approving themselves, the better your chances of true love.

Love engenders confidence, love - of doubt. If you really like, then, thinking all the components of your relationship, feel a growing confidence in you. Love also finds out that he just so busy and that suppress the growing jealousy and feelings of powerlessness. Of course, this does not mean that true love completely devoid of these "beautiful feelings". Yes, these feelings are likely to survive and given to you, but much less often and less severely.

Love trusts.

Some people are flattered when their loved one is jealous. They think that this is a sign of true love and that the more they are jealous, the more they love each other. However, remember that jealousy - it is an unhealthy feeling, rather it shows lack of confidence and low self-esteem. And here absolutely irrelevant sources of suspicion, the main thing - it forces to put his friend on the circuit at any moment could be his pet. In short, you become a selfish and owner.

Love takes into account the reality that love - ignores it.

When true love you're looking at the problem openly and not trying to diminish their importance. If, for example, two loving students make every effort to ensure that all the same to finish high school, not married (because they know that from this it will only be stronger), they will not fear that their love is cool, but built marriage on a solid foundation.

Love ignores the social, racial, educational and religious differences. Sometimes, this feeling overtakes already entered into a marriage or a man in a situation where he could not meet openly. Love ignores such things. But if you really love each other, we must solve similar problems.

People who truly love each other, not hide from the problems and try to solve them. If something threatens their relationship, they are openly discussing it and try to find a reasonable way. Slaves as his passion will not pay any attention to this, in the best case - to extinguish the existing discrepancies between them. Loving couple tries to anticipate what may soon happen.

Now, when the overall picture of your present relationship emerged for you, what should you do? The most important thing - do not do anything radical, or at least not right now. Even if you "passed" is fleeting, do not hurry. Do not take hasty decisions, let them ripen. Remember - if you met your true love, from anywhere, it will not go away or the next week or next week, never.

If you examine their attitudes and realize that it's just love, or at least suspect that this is so - not seek to sever the relationship immediately, because you can, and no mistake. Sometimes love turns into true love, but if you will force the situation, you never know about it.

So relax and be satisfied with their relationship. The main thing - to find out their true value and not delude ourselves, taking them for what they are not. This may be just the very same relationship, and you have yet to take a final decision: whether to stay forever with a single person or not. The lesson that you retrieve from the present day, will come in handy in the future.

Beware.

Avoid sexual relations. The strong desire of intimacy naturally. Sometimes it can seem insurmountable, but sex generates a lot of problems. You analyzed their cases with great care, to which you are capable, but not in a position to decide you have found true love or not. Perhaps too much diligence and confused you completely.

If so - give yourself a little time. And the time will give you experience. You will be able to communicate more with friends, an opportunity to learn more about what you both need to make a final decision. Having heeded what was said and did just that, you can find true love, and your relationship will help the spiritual growth of each of you and enhance your senses.

20 errors in the bed: so do not be!

The girl loves ears, but not one of them. We will not talk about how to charm her in bed. And let's say that is not recommended if you do not want to make a lasting bad impression about yourself.

As you know, women of substance with fine mental institution. We can take offense at the most simple and natural things. As a classicist, this "objective reality given to us in sensations. A survey among the female population has shed light on the fact that no women like in bed. The poll found, at least twenty things that women can not stand in sex. Do not claiming to be the final objective, we honestly reproduce the results of the survey.

1. You keep silent. As you know, man loves his eyes, and a woman - the ears. And with these ears, she wants to hear sweet words. Or at least postanyvanie, demonstrating the strength of your passion.

2. You're too shouting. Of all the women interviewed, this is only one complained. Ho but very active. Rapid expression of feelings - this is fine, but still remember that you are not at the stadium.

3. YOU TOO QUICKLY undress. More than anything, women do not like to be in a stupid position. And if it is in a fur coat and boots, and on you have nothing but a condom, you both look to put it mildly, absurd.

4. You leave VKLYUCHEHHYM VERHHY LIGHT. Too bright light makes the bedroom in the operating room. In addition, a woman can not concentrate until the end of the process, and forced at all times to ensure enough if she looks sexy.

5. YOU PRIHIMESH is NOT SHOWER BEFORE SEX. Ernest Hemingway said that from a man should smell like a man. Ho, women do not agree. They certainly do not expect that from you will smell fresh violets, but the blunt truth of their lives, unfortunately, often do not excite.

6. You run into the shower immediately afterwards. Women are like cats. Cats have a habit - to rub on a loved one to leave your scent on it. And when you're in a hurry with this openly smell part, they feel aggrieved.

7. YOU IMMEDIATELY turn away from the HEE and falls asleep. Extremely serious offense. Perhaps this is the worst thing you can do. Even before you took delivery from a dozen cows rekordsmenok, wrote a thesis and set a new world record for stometrovke - it will not justify. From her point of view, you are obliged after sex gently caress her. Otherwise, why do you even slept with her in bed?

8. WHILE YOU KUHHILIHGUSA always looks into her eyes. Maybe you did not realize that, look at this moment, as cunning a fascist, stuck for brudstver. Ho, in any case, you should at least pretend that you yourself are extremely keen on this process.

9. YOU is NOT BREESHSYA. Because women's beard grows only in very rare cases, we will never understand what pain is able to deliver an innocent two-day stubble. try rubbing his nose on the chin mate. You may not like it.

10. You kidding during sex. Laughter - the worst enemy of sex. Have fun and gag in bed is absolutely contraindicated. In the words of another classic: "Had anyone laugh? Had a laugh!"

11. YOU is NOT SEX ZAHIMAESHSYA morning. For many women having sex with a favorite in the morning - it's like to shoot the warm cream with fresh milk. Fortunately, the majority of men willing to share with us this exquisite pleasure.

12. YOU kept saying what to do. You - not a sergeant, and she - not a platoon of recruits. Therefore, the command "Down!", "Attention!" and "Circle", relevant to the parade ground, in bed sound silly.

13. Is NOT YOU CARE ABOUT ITS BEZOPASHOSTI. Perhaps the men are forced to accept the fact that condoms - is a duty. We expect from men, that they will buy them in advance, to carry in your pockets and put on (possibly unnoticed).

14. YOU BOLHO bites her nipples. Used for such things, even an infant was removed prematurely cutting through the teeth.

15. YOU POSTOYAHHO twitched, MHESH Trash And her breasts. Breast - not the joystick in a computer game. And not a melon, you have to feel out what would satisfy its ripeness. And no wet clothes, which must both be squeezed. It requires a careful attitude.

16. YOU HAVALIVAESHSYA is NOT HEE ALL WEIGHTS. As a rule, a man far superior to a woman in weight. Being engaged in sex with her in the classic pose is not too much reliance on women's endurance. Perhaps her heavy panting - not a sign of a passion.

17. You're too AGRESSIVHO kiss. She does not like it when you are actively push through a tongue in her mouth, and are using them there as brushes for cleaning bottles.

18. YOU ALL TOO TEATRALHO furnish. Women love sincerity. Or pretend that they love. Make every effort to ensure that she would feel - are you intrigued by it, and not entourage and the situation itself.

19. YOU DOBROSOVESTEH, Ho TOO BEZYHITSIATIVEH. How would feminism marched triumphantly across the planet, a woman still loves to be the object of attention. She was not interested to do everything itself, it is not always tempted by the role of sexual aggressor.

20. HER HRAVITSYA is NOT WHAT YOU TO talk about it. A long-standing question - how to call all these intimate things. Rudeness women do not like. Lisping annoying. It seems best to call it does, and if necessary moo something inarticulate, but very tender.